It was not the right answer.

What am I to the world? How is it that I affect the lives of so many? Would the world come to a screeching halt if I were to disappear? Probably not, but my family's and friend's lives would. If not for a long time a day, a week, a month or maybe a year, but eventually life would take over and force them to move on. Well that is true for everyone. Why hurt your loved ones just because you are hurting? Why would you just give up on life? What right do you have to take your own life? Well these questions are not something running through a suicidal person's mind. We want them to be, but they are not. They can only think of the pain, the pure, agonizing hurt that is "swallowing" them. A person of this mind set is hurting so bad that they can only see the sweet bliss of death, the escape from all their troubles. I know, this because that is what was going through my sister's mind. She was of this mind set, and hurting so bad that she could not see her true worth. It hurts so much to know that she did not think I loved her, to feel like I gave up on her. Well, I didn't. I would, was, and want to be there for her through everything. I would have challenged the world if she would have asked it of me. But she didn't. At first I was mad that she would not trust me or think that I did not care enough about her to help, but in truth, that was her decision. I could not have stopped her from pulling that trigger. She was the one who decided it, and as much as it hurts to admit it, there is nothing I could have done. I didn't know until after the fact, what she was going through. I hurt, and I miss her. I would give anything to have my big sister to go to for advice, for company, or to help. Even though she has been gone for two years, I still love her, I miss her, and I also still hurt, and I always will. I need her right now, and I get so mad sometimes because she is not there for me. She is not here to help me get through high school and the other hard things that are going on. All I can say right now is this: I am so glad she does not hurt anymore. She does not have to be feeling the pain she did, or dealing with the trials we all have to deal with. She is in a safe, wonderful, paradise. Why then, does it hurt so much? Why am I still in pain at the thought of her not being here? Am I selfish? Maybe. But all I know is that I want my big sister. I envy my friends because their big sisters are there for them, even if it is just to drive them somewhere, or go shopping with. They still have their sisters to watch their back, to lean on when needed, to just be there. Wow, never before have I admitted that to myself let alone anyone else. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my sister. I see her when I look in the mirror, I think of her when I see a stupid beanie baby. For right now I am surviving, but I know this pain is not going to fully heal. I just...need a hug. Love you guys. Sorry if I am worrying you. I have never really told anyone this, and I am kind of scared that I am worrying you. Love y'all. Please, just know, if you are ever feeling like she did, or need someone to talk to I am here for you. I won't judge you, I am here for anything you need. It was not the right answer and it never will be. Feel free to send me an email any time.
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